i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
