So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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