My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My life is pants optional.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
