I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
