Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
