Can i not drive my cunt home
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
