An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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