we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
