Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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