can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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