Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You pole danced in your parka.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
