There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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