I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
