He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
