By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
