so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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