someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
