i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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