I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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