my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
