3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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