look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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