Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
