he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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