i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
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