dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
