My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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