so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
