It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
