I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
