I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
