It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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