So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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