She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
