I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
