I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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