omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
