You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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