This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
