My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
