All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
