I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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