we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
