Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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