Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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