just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
