is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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