i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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