fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
