seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can text with my tongue
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
